The Perils of Being Tuxedo Kamen
by The Perpetual Lurker
Summary: Mamoru's not having a good day. Between the doctors, the monsters, the lawyers and the fangirls, what's our favorite Cape Boy to do?


Hi! This was first posted on the SMRFF Mailing List, as a submission for Mamo Day. As always,   
  
the Sailor Moon concept belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, and English manga rights reside with Mixx.   
  
Thanks for reading!  
  
Lurker 8/09/03  
  
~~  
  
Chiba Mamoru closed his apartment door behind him and resisted the urge to sink onto   
  
the floor right there. Instead, he took two steps toward the kitchen, tossed his jacket over a   
  
chair, and made a mental note to wash it as soon as he had the energy. Then he wandered   
  
into the living room and fell across the couch, not even caring that his shoes were getting the   
  
fabric dirty. At this point, anything could be cleaned.... Later.  
  
He considered briefly the possibility of reaching up to turn the lamp on, reconsidered as he   
  
realized that would involve sitting up, and lay happily with his eyes closed. He could hear the   
  
quiet hiss of the air conditioner and felt a rush of gratitude that the machine worked on auto-  
  
control. At least he didn't have to turn that on himself in order to get cooled off.  
  
Mamoru opened his eyes to study the large terrarium across from the couch. It was filled   
  
with greens and browns - rocks, dirt, branches, and even a small pool of water. He had   
  
worked for hours to create the perfect living environment for Fluffy, his pet snake, and   
  
considered the terrarium nearly a work of art from a man who was, quite often, without talent   
  
in the art department. As such, it was one of his prides.  
  
"You wouldn't believe the day I've had, Fluffy." In a sudden attack of fancy, Mamoru   
  
pretended he had heard the snake answer him. "What's that? You want to know what   
  
happened? Well, I'll tell you. You remember I left here this morning for the hospital, ready to   
  
pick up my paycheck....."  
  
~~  
  
Mamoru walked through the revolving doors at Tokyo General Hospital's front entrance   
  
and made his way through the maze of corridors and elevators to the main desk on 'his' floor.   
  
All around him were white-garbed nurses and doctors bustling back and forth. Mamoru   
  
knew many were intimidated or even frightened by the hospital atmosphere, but to him it had   
  
always had an air of healing and recovery.  
  
He found the proper desk and announced himself to the busy receptionist. She quickly   
  
searched for "Chiba Mamoru, Intern" in her stack of paychecks and handed him the   
  
appropriate envelope between phone calls. Just then, he felt the internal twinge that always   
  
announced Sailor Moon's imminent danger, and the feeling must have shown on his face.  
  
"What's happened, Chiba-san? Is something wrong?" The receptionist covered the   
  
mouthpiece on the telephone to ask.  
  
"No, nothing. I'll just get out of your way now...." He managed before bolting for the   
  
door. The receptionist just shook her head. That Chiba fellow was a nice sort, she thought,   
  
but odd. Every once in a while he would take off like that.... The doctors he was interning   
  
under were planning to have a few words with him about those infrequent disappearances.   
  
Maybe, she thought, she should warn him.  
  
Mamoru made it to the fire escape stairs and rapidly climbed to the hospital's roof,   
  
bemoaning the fact that the building had so many floors but grateful that the reception desk   
  
was nearly half-way up - significantly reducing the climb. Once there, he transformed in a   
  
shower of rose petals, and Tuxedo Kamen took off leaping from rooftop to rooftop courtesy   
  
of the power boost he always got from the transformation.   
  
He followed the twinge in his gut all the way across Tokyo until he reached a small park   
  
on the outskirts of the city. From the looks of the groaning people slowly getting to their feet,   
  
and the quietly smoldering trees nearby, he'd just missed the battle.   
  
"Oh, Tuxedo Kamen! Hello!" Sailor Mars looked up from where she was bent over,   
  
assisting a civilian who'd apparently been hit exceptionally hard by this latest monster. "Just   
  
lay still for a moment," she counseled the woman. "You'll begin to feel better after a little   
  
while."  
  
"Sailor Mars," Tuxedo Kamen nodded in acknowledgement. "What happened?"   
  
"The usual," she sighed, and straightened with a groan. "Wierdly-shaped monster attacks   
  
masses of people, Sailor Moon saves the day. You weren't here, though, which I suppose   
  
would be considered unusual. Did something hold you up?"  
  
"I was all the way across the city. Where's the Odango?" He pronounced the childish   
  
nickname as if it were a title of nobility - which, he reflected, it might well be considered.   
  
Maybe Usagi could go down in the history books of Crystal Tokyo as 'Queen Odango the   
  
First.' He shrugged off the amusing line of thought as Sailor Mars answered him.  
  
"Sailor Moon went home," she informed him. "Something about homework she'd   
  
forgotten? I told her she shouldn't have left it for the last minute, but she's never listened to   
  
me before and I guess she won't start now." Mars gave a long-suffering sigh, but Tuxedo   
  
Kamen knew Rei was nearly as fond of the flighty dumpling-head as he himself was.  
  
"Well, thanks anyway." He took a hard look around the former battlefield. Sailors Venus   
  
and Jupiter were also helping victims to their feet and giving instructions, while Mercury was   
  
selectively using her water attacks to extinguish the few trees that were still burning. "It looks   
  
like you've got it all under control, then. Anything else you'd need me for?"  
  
"Nope, but thanks anyway!" Mars said cheerfully. "I think we've got it."  
  
~~  
  
"And that was that!" Mamoru complained to Fluffy. "They didn't need me for anything.   
  
Just sent me along without so much as a how-do-you-do...."  
  
He cocked his head, 'listening' to the snake's inaudible response. "Huh? No, of course I   
  
didn't expect them to hold the battle until I showed up. That'd be ridiculous! I just - I'm not   
  
used to Usagi fighting without me, and I'm not sure I like it. In fact, I wish she didn't have to   
  
fight at all. If only I knew how to use this blasted crystal...." Mamoru pulled the Golden   
  
Crystal's chain loose from beneath his shirt, and glared at the shiny bauble critically. "What   
  
good is it being heir to the Earth's powers if I can't figure out how to use any of them?"  
  
"For that matter, I don't know if it would be useful against any of these new enemies even   
  
if I could work the blasted thing...." He mused. "We still haven't learned who they are or   
  
what they want, except that they're back to the same old energy drain the Dark Kingdom   
  
used. I'd hoped after Galaxia was defeated that we'd at least have some peace and quiet for   
  
a while.... So much for that." He sighed.  
  
"Anyways, Fluffy, that wasn't the end of my trouble. I knew that Tuxedo Kamen had   
  
attracted some attention, but did you know I have an actual fanclub?" He shuddered at the   
  
memory. "A wild, screaming horde of a fanclub...."  
  
~~  
  
Tuxedo Kamen left the battlefield and walked along the street in deep contemplation. So   
  
deep, in fact, that he failed either to detransform or to take his usual high road along the   
  
nearby buildings' rooftops. Lost in thought, he missed the turnoff of sidewalk that would lead   
  
him home, but caught his mistake a few moments later and turned to go back -  
  
Coming face to face with a crowd of about three hundred schoolgirls that had silently   
  
ammassed behind him on the street. He stared at them in shock, unsure what their purpose   
  
was, and in doing so lost that critical moment of action when he might have gotten away. A   
  
dark-haired girl in the front squealed, "Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" and set the entire horde off.   
  
They all screamed and, as a unit, surged towards him.  
  
Tuxedo Kamen turned tail and ran, forgetting in his terror to make use of the rooftops for   
  
a quick getaway. He stumbled over a trash receptacle, tipping it into the path of the rabid   
  
fangirls, but the obstacle had no effect in holding them off. They flowed around it like a   
  
swarm of insects. He could just barely make out individual voices from the veritable wall of   
  
sound that emanated from them.  
  
"Tuxedo Kamen-sama! Can I have your autograph?"  
  
"Tuxedo Kamen-sama! Throw me a rose!"  
  
"Wait up! We just want to talk to you!"  
  
"I'll do more than talk! Tuxedo Kamen-sama!"  
  
"WAAAAAAAAAH!" Tuxedo Kamen wailed in a voice more reminiscent of his   
  
girlfriend's than his own. He tripped on a crack in the sidewalk and went sprawling, then   
  
rolled over to face the fangirls who advanced on him greedily.  
  
"Hang on, now." He offered. "This is really flattering, but you know I've got a girlfriend   
  
already, ladies, so it really isn't appropriate for AAAUGH!" He yelped as they pounced.  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Tuxedo Kamen finally crawled away from the attack with cape   
  
tattered and hat completely missing. His mask, by some incredible act of fate, was still intact.   
  
The fangirls hadn't seemed to have noticed yet that he was getting away, so he ducked round   
  
a corner and hunted for an alley to detransform in.  
  
"Tuxedo Kamen-san?" He was accosted by a suited figure with wire-rim glasses and a   
  
clipboard.  
  
"I really don't have time for a conversation, if you'll excuse me...." Tuxedo Kamen tried to   
  
edge around the woman. She paid no heed.  
  
"Tuxedo Kamen-san, I represent the Tokyo Gardening Club, and I'm here to serve notice   
  
for suit against you. You are being sued for mistreating roses by using them as weapons, for   
  
misrepresenting the same roses as dangerous and harmful, for frightening away prospective   
  
members through fear of those same roses, and for degrading the good name of gardeners   
  
everywhere." The lawyer pulled a sheet of paper loose from her clipboard and handed it to   
  
the dumbstruck Tuxedo Kamen. "You're expected in court on the fourteenth. Have a nice   
  
day."  
  
~~  
  
"Suing me! Can you believe it?" Mamoru ranted. "I mean, it's not like I *asked* for   
  
roses. Grenades would have suited me just fine, but no. Someone decided it had to be   
  
roses. And now they're suing me!" He paused for Fluffy's 'response.' "Of course I'm not   
  
going. They wouldn't be able to find me, anyway, unless I wanted to." Another pause. "That   
  
was a fluke. She wouldn't have caught me if I hadn't been attacked by all those fangirls...."  
  
He flipped over to lay on his side. "And would you believe, that wasn't the end of it?   
  
When I finally found a place to detransform, a little kid ran over and poured punch down my   
  
back. Now my favorite green jacket is stained, and who knows if I'll be able to get it out   
  
again? Wierd brown patches have sprouted all over the back of it." He gazed sadly into the   
  
kitchen, where his jacket lay across a chair. "I ought to get up and wash it, before the punch   
  
can set...."  
  
Mamoru thought about that idea for several minutes, continuing to tell himself that he really   
  
should get up and find the stain remover. The idea was a very good one, he finally decided,   
  
but not compelling enough to make him actually move.  
  
The telephone ringing, however, was enough to make him move. He pushed himself up   
  
from the couch, grunting as he did so, and reached for the phone on the end table. "Chiba   
  
Mamoru speaking."  
  
"Chiba-san? This is Doctor Okuda from the hospital. I'm sorry to disturb you, but we do   
  
need to have a consultation about your recent behaviors. It seems you've been disappearing   
  
from the hospital during your shifts? This isn't the kind of behavior we expect from our   
  
interns."  
  
Mamoru knew immediately what the doctor was talking about - his rescues of Sailor   
  
Moon. If the senshi could figure out some way to pre-schedule monster attacks, there'd be   
  
no problem, but how could he explain his situation to his superior? Until they tracked down   
  
the hideout of the new enemies, and vanquished the leaders, Mamoru would have to continue   
  
his disappearing acts.  
  
"I'll expect to see you in the morning, Chiba. You've got a very promising career ahead of   
  
you, but not if you can't be more responsible. Goodbye." Doctor Okuda hung up and, after   
  
a moment, Mamoru did too.  
  
He slowly got up from his seat on the couch and walked over to the terrarium. "Did you   
  
hear that, Fluffy? This day just keeps getting worse and worse...." He went to the kitchen,   
  
filled a glass with water, and brought it back to replace the dwindling supply in Fluffy's water   
  
bowl.  
  
"There you go, Fluffy. I hope you weren't thirsty...." Mamoru realized he couldn't see the   
  
little snake anywhere. "Uh.... Fluffy? Are you in there?" He flushed, knowing the snake   
  
couldn't answer him. To cover his embarassment, he pushed aside a few of the branches,   
  
looking for his pet.  
  
"Oh, great!" He groaned and began the tedious task of searching for Fluffy - a process   
  
that usually involved moving furniture and double-checking everything. As he shoved the   
  
desk aside, Mamoru noticed that the small red light on his answering machine was blinking.  
  
"Now what?" He nearly didn't, but finally he made himself push the play button, dreading   
  
what bad news the message would bring.  
  
"Monday, ten thirteen a.m." the machine said in a mechanical voice. A beep followed,   
  
then the cheerful voice of Usagi. Mamoru unconsciously straightened at the sound.  
  
"Hey there, Mamo-chan! Just wanted to say hi.... I stopped by this morning, but you   
  
were already gone."  
  
Mamoru grinned. Hearing Usagi's voice could always cheer him up - she had that joy of   
  
life and love of others that was so contagious, and to him it was like sunlight on a cloudy day.  
  
"By the way," she continued, "Fluffy looked lonely when I was there, so I brought him   
  
home with me. He and Shingo have been playing together. I guess I'll call you later, if you   
  
don't call me. I love you!"  
  
"Monday, two forty-six p.m." the machine said, as if Mamoru needed a reminder of what   
  
time it was. "End of final message."  
  
He felt his earlier weariness drain away at the thought of spending time with his Odango   
  
Atama. It'd been a week since they'd had more than a few minutes at a time to spend   
  
together, and he caught his brain running over ideas for a special date that night. The Italian   
  
restaurant sounded very appealing, and he could probably afford to support Usagi's eating   
  
habits even at their higher dinner prices.  
  
Mamoru pushed the desk back into place and picked up the phone. This day wasn't so   
  
bad after all. 


End file.
